sometimes i wonder if my mom reads this blog. i gave her the link once but she is not online very much. so i don't know if she looks at this. like, maybe i could just tell her lots of things on this blog that i'd never have the courage to say to her in real life. like, i like women. i like men, too. i like them both. i have sex with them both.
i really think that tampa is where i am supposed to be. i am supposed to be doing something here. i am close to finding it. i can feel it. i talked to my managing principal today at work, which was the first time we'd talked since i'd turned in my resignation last week. he told me that last month, when i had come into his office to help on a project, that as i was leaving, he'd almost stopped me and asked me what i wanted to be when i grew up. is it so obvious? that i've been wandering for 28 years? i've been wandering. for 18 years in one city and for 10 years in another city. i am finding my way. after school loans and a silly degree and a bunch of alcohol and a divorce -- i am finding my way. give me a minute. i will be there soon.
yesterday i broke down in the parking lot of this swing dance hall. because i am quitting my job. i hate my job. but it is like the only thing i have known for the past 3 years. and it pays my bills really well. but uuhhhmmm.. the problem is that any other job i take is going to pay me less. and i have been having a bit of anxiety about being able to pay for everything i need to pay for. and i finally admitted to myself today that i am scared i won't have enough money to pay for all the alcohol i drink. i asked pj the other night if she thought that i wouldn't need all this extra money for drinking if i started working a job that i liked.
there is a massive void in my life and i think it might be language. i think i might need to learn a new language.
the guy that i slapped in august wrote me a facebook message a week or two ago, apologizing for his behavior. i told him that i wasn't upset with him because i simply didn't have time to be upset with him. sometimes i wonder why i say things like that. i mean, most basically, i say it because it is true. but i guess what i'm saying is... i wonder why that is true. why i don't give a fuck. i stopped giving a fuck like a year ago. about most everything.
i am going to see ang in february. in michigan. it is going to be cold. i haven't talked to her since she was here in the summer. we have only had a handful of text exchanges. sometimes i think i need to live in south america. in the tropics. where it is hot and humid and people speak spanish. i think i could hide there for a very, very long time. i am considering going.
