I'm nesting.

I've spent the past 48 hours nesting.  I bought a new bedspread, two sets of 500 thread count sheets, a floor lamp, two pieces of original art, decorative mirrors, and probably some other things that I'm not thinking of right now.  A friend brought me fresh Calendula flowers from the farm she works on and they're bright and beautiful.  I've thrown away so much stuff that has been weighing me down and it feels free and light, and I love it.  And on top of all that, I've rearranged several pieces of furniture in my condo, and if I do say so myself, it looks awesome.  I apparently have a knack for Feng Shui.  ;-)

I'm really quite happy right now; I feel like I'm at a really great spot in my life.  As indicated in my previous entry, I feel quite like I'm at a normal place in terms of healing.  I am, for the first time since I've divorced, not only financially secure, but I have enough extra money to do recreational activities that I want to do without worrying about whether or not I can pay for it.  I'm cooking again.  I'm cleaning and organizing and calming down.  I know what I want in the future, in terms of graduate schools and my career.

And now, I want someone to share it with.  Bleh.  *rolls eyes*  Look, I know this is sappy.  I know it sounds like I'm a needy girl who's whining about finding someone and won't be happy til she does.  But that's not it, really.  It's just that I finally feel quite like I have something to offer, and I'd like to be able to share it with someone who can appreciate it and who can give me the same thing in return.

Look, I did the OkCupid thing for awhile, right?  And so you are supposed to answer all these questions about life, relationships, love, sex, blah blah.  Based on your answers, they "match" you to other users.  Anyway, there was this one question along the lines of:  Would you rather complete your partner, or would you rather they already be complete when you find them?  And a surprising amount of people answered "I want to complete my partner."  Okay, well not me.  If you can't function healthily on your own, then I have no desire to fix you.  Of course, inherently, I hold myself to the same standard, which is bound to be largely why I've not had a fully successful relationship in my life yet -- I've subconsciously known that I've not been "complete" and ready to present myself healthily.

But now I feel like I am.

I don't really go to a ton of family-oriented events or functions, but yesterday I found myself at Ikea.  The place was chock-full of families, purchasing things to build their nest with.  I admittedly got teary two or three times during my shopping trip there because I want that so badly -- to build my nest alongside a partner and children.  But I don't just want it with the next person who comes along -- I want it with someone that I am so passionately in love with that I can't stand it.  With someone who I can't imagine living without.  With someone who matches me on every level that I'm at, and maybe even exceeds me on some levels. 

I told AB and MM several months ago that I'm fully prepared to die alone, because I'm so not expecting to find anyone who fits the criteria above, and because I refuse to settle for anything less.  I am so incredibly underwhelmed with the vast majority of people I date, man.  So I kinda feel like I'm stuck in this haughty, over-privileged place of eye-rolling solitude.  It's lame on multiple levels.

...However, my condo looks ballin'.  And as such, I will be having a dinner party soon.

Turns out, my new shirt has 2 holes in it,
M

It's February

Right after my husband and I split up, someone told me that it would be a minimum of 2 years before I was normal again.

Oh my Gooooooood, that sounded like such a long time to me then.  I was utterly convinced he was wrong, that I would be over it and ready to move on after like, ya know, a month or two.  I was 25!  I didn't have two whole years to waste being unable to healthily date!

And so I bullheadedly embarked on what proved to be an appallingly abusive relationship.  And then I slept with a bunch of people that I had no intention of pursuing a relationship with.  And then I embarked on another relationship.  Not unhealthy -- but in retrospect, one that I could have put a lot more thought into.  And then I slept with a bunch more people that I had no intention of pursuing a relationship with.  I wrapped my fear around me like a blanket, and I sailed my ship of safety til I sank it.

And throughout this whole time, I kept pictures of me and my husband in their frames.  Several of them were shoved in the back of my closet, still framed and untouched.  But there were other ones that I kept displayed on my bookshelves in my bedroom, and I'd always slip them somewhere out of sight when a new intrigue would come to my house.  

Somehow, I didn't realize that that was unhealthy.  Until just now, apparently, when I was in the middle of cleaning out my closet and came across several of those frames with pictures from the wedding, pictures from the early part of our marriage, pictures of my in-laws.  And with very little thought, I simply removed the photos, placed them in the rather smallish box that contains the very few sentimental belongings from my marriage, and then stacked the picture frames in the pile of Goodwill donations.  

I took a step back, furrowed my brown, and thought Why had I never been able to do that before?  I honestly think I'd managed to convince myself that I didn't want to get rid of all the framed pictures, as opposed to not being able to get rid of them.

Now.  The past week or two of my life has been a turning point for me.  I have discovered precisely what I want and precisely when I want it.  I have not only stopped drinking everyday, I've stopped needing to drink everyday.  I have made a timeline of my life for the next year and hung it on the wall of my bedroom so it stares at me and wags its finger disapprovingly when I waste time.  I have a plan, I have time, I have the money to do it, I am suddenly exactly where I need to be, and I have the patience to work toward where I eventually want to go.  I spent four years prostrate to the higher mind, got my paper and now I'm free.

It's Februrary, 2011.  In summer of 2008, Dr. Campbell warned me "two years" before I reached some semblance of normality.  I should have listened.

The less I seek my source for some definitive,
the closer I am to fine,
M

Why I Love Florida in February.

(A bit of reflection from March of 2008, though it still holds true in 2011):

Because: in which other state during February can you see a riotous explosion of pink azaleas in every front yard? Maybe a select few other states -- those that aren't still covered in soggy, white, half-melted snow, anyway. But in Florida, no recalcitrant snow lingers and inhibits the azaleas' mission of painting the entire peninsula in pink. Their blossoms are papery, spotted, and sensual. They look almost edible, and they completely encapsulate each azalea shrub.

And because: in which other state can you drive down a dismal, wintery interstate, only to discover the most elegant of surprises lining the sides once you drive out just past city limits? Acres and acres of citrus trees blossom and diffuse their heavenly, aromatic scent across the ever-present construction on I-4. The privilege of being surrounded by the scent of citrus blossoms is something that should be reserved for royalty, but as a Florida resident, i retain this privilege on a daily basis during the winter. I live in a state of tumultuous azaleas and other-worldly citrus blossom scents.

And because: i surely can't think of another state whose jasmine blossoms smell quite so sweet in the dead of winter besides Florida. If a residential area doesn't have a few citrus trees blooming in February, it certainly has a handful of jasmine shrubs opening their dainty, faerie-like white flowers whose scent transports the mind to a higher plane. Their delicate perfume has the ability to calm one after a long, strenuous day, or to invoke a spark of passion between two lovers, or, oddly, even to incite an appetite in those who have difficulty eating.

Florida feels like home the longer I stay and experience its natural offerings.

And so it is,
M

So much to be thankful for, how could anyone ever be sad?

I had one and half PBRs last night which was one and half too many. I forget that it's cheap beer for a reason.

I woke up this morning angry at work, angry at my messy room, my upset stomach, my headache, and just existence in general.

But, I'd made plans with AB and RG to go to Harmony Church this morning for Sunday service.

But before I tell you anymore about today, let's skip back to exactly one week ago.

I'd gone to Harmony with AB last Sunday.  The services began with the choir standing in front of the congregation, prepared to perform. As the members began to settle in their seats, a little girl began to sing solo: "Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so," and it was adorable. I smiled and then sighed resignedly to myself, believing that I was about to go through visiting yet another church service full of talk about Jesus as my saviour and Jehovah as my master.

But then the child finished singing, and the choir picked up where she left off. And their words were, "Spirit loves me, this I know, for the conscious tells me so." And my jaw dropped and my eyes teared up and I whispered, "Yes, yes, yes..."

When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things. I was unabashedly elated to see that these people had put away their childish things and become men.

Throughout the service, this esoteric language that AB and I had created between ourselves -- this language that danced with ideas and that exasperated others who listened to us speak it -- was being spoken fluently by every Reverend and every member of the congregation. Every word that AB and I had said to one another, all our particular semantics, all our logic... it was all manifest in the middle of this tiny sanctuary on Henry Street in west Tampa. It was mindblowing and revolutionary, yet comforting and familiar and completely mother at the same time.

The rest of the service impacted me in similar ways. The choir sang Sri Ram Jai Ram Jai Jai Ram. One of the Reverends led us on a meditation during which my spirit left my body and renewed itself with a vigor and a passion I'd not felt in so long. Another Reverend anointed my head and chest with oil and blessed me, as I offered her peace and thanks.

My head spun and my heart cried and I praised the Source for Being and for Guiding.

I walked away from the service with wet eyes, an open heart, and a reaffirmed belief in eternal trust in the Source to provide guidance, direction, and wisdom for me in every aspect of my life.




Skip to one week later -- this morning:

I woke up pissed at PBR.

But, as I said, I'd made plans to attend Harmony again with AB and also RG this time around.

I made myself roll out of the bed, grumbling, but knowing that the service would renew me spiritually, emotionally, and mentally, preparing me for the coming week.

The service was beautiful this week, as it was last week, and I left happy. I came home and gathered up lots of things I'd been meaning to drop off at Goodwill, then drove out to a drop-off zone in Carrollwood. I was playing Liquid Swords by GZA when I pulled up in my quarter-life crisis car (a silver 2-door, 5-speed Civic), and one of the gentlemen manning the Goodwill truck (whose name I soon learned was Junior) walked right up and promptly asked if I was donating the items in my trunk along with the car itself. I laughed and said, "Yeah, take the whole thing! I can walk home." He laughed also, and then gathered up my grocery bags of clothes and purses. As he started to walk back toward the Goodwill truck, he turned around and asked for my car keys. I laughed and said, "Okay, maybe I won't donate the car today. But I'll take you for a spin!" Which made all three of the Goodwill gentlemen laugh. And then another one of them (whose name I soon learned was Chris) said to me, "Are you happy today?" I said, "Yes, I'm elated today, in fact." He asked me why, and I told him that I had had a lovely church service earlier in the morning, and that I had enough money to pay my rent and buy my food, and that I couldn't think of a reason to be sad today. Chris smiled and asked me if I would pray with all three of them.

I was flattered and accepted. And we stood in the middle of the Home Depot parking lot and held hands, and I thanked our Father for everything that He has blessed us with so far, and asked for His continued blessings, particularly upon the work that Junior, Chris, and Ivan were doing in Tampa Bay.

And then Chris asked if I'd like to fellowship with him sometime, because he goes to church every Sunday at a congregation on Dale Mabry and Kennedy. I told him that I'd love to, so we exchanged phone numbers and planned to see each other at church soon.

Kisses,
M

So, thank you. Thank you, everyone, for being community, and creating community, and giving and taking love and compassion. Because community, love, and compassion are the only things that really matter, right? Everything else falls into place when we practice these things.

There is so much to be thankful for, how could anyone ever be sad?

Remembers a Sweeter Time

When hair was shorter, love was purer and more innocent, family was calm, and god still existed, even if precariously so.

When people photographed easily, and leaves turned red, and bridges led us over waters.

When life was predictable.

When love was unquestioned.

When the kitchen was busy and food gave comfort.

When the future was clear and plans were implemented accordingly.

When conversations were real and the mindstream flowed fluently.

When flowers picked easily and smelled fluidly.

When bikes polished and oil changed and travels occurred communally and without question.

Forgive me.

Regrets come with difficulty,
M

Today is the greatest

day I have ever known!  All praises!

The temperature was perfect, the sunset sublime, and the trees cloaked in beautiful leaves.

I got new music, I remembered old music, I planned out the rest of my life, and I made banana bread.

I opened the windows and turned my ceiling fans on high and it felt like the first day of an endless summer in paradise.

My state is probably prettier than yours,
M