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| Help, I'm alive, M |
I don't like the bubble I'm in right now. It is stagnant and ridden with worry and fear and distress and dis-ease. Time to pop it and move on to the next one.
I started some therapy sessions tonight with Nyssa at Upward Spiral Therapy in Lutz. She is a massage therapist but she is expanding her therapy services to include... well, everything. Nyssa has something compassionate or insightful to say about almost anything you have to present to her. She is actually one of the few people I've met with a degree in Religion who I find approachable, understandable, and who can take their knowledge and utilize it in everyday situations with everyday people.
Tonight wasn't really an actual therapy session; I guess it was more of a... consultation of sorts, I suppose? Basically Nyssa went over some of the therapeutic services she offers and then we had a 2 1/2 hour conversation about everything from my stint as a corporate whore, to what I'm doing now, to my current partner, to my mom, to my roommates, to my visions of becoming the owner and operator of a local brewpub. It was nice to release in such a welcoming and compassionate environment.
In the blog entry I wrote a few days ago, where I lamented my stuck-edness, I didn't really go into much detail about why I've been so terribly neurotic. I can't exactly compact a 2 1/2 hour conversation into a little blog entry... but the short of it is I feel like I'm completely floundering. I quit a job I hated to pursue a vision of creating a cozy, community-based brewpub that served locally-made, in-house, sacred and herbal healing beer, tea beer, and gluten-free beer, and also a bunch of locally-grown food. And I haven't done anything to advance toward that goal beyond brewing some tea beer here and there. I have, for my whole life, been placed in an existing infrastructure. I have, for my whole life, been told what to do. ...And yet, I have, for my whole life, always believed I was a self-starter. What a ridiculous thing to believe! I've never had any opportunity to actually be a self-starter even if I'd wanted to. I've had to operate entirely within an existing infrastructure of either academia or corporate work. Where have I had room to be truly creative? I've been graded my whole life, either on an A-F scale or on a paycheck. If I don't do things the way they tell me, I get a bad grade, or I don't get a paycheck.
So now, here I am. Six months out of my corporate environmental consulting job. With a hell of a lot of free time on my hands, and very little to show for it. Why can't I get my shit together? I have tried talking to D (who is one of the most beautifully driven and self-disciplined people I've ever known) about it a few times. I will lament myself and get all squishy and emotional and blithering, and in return, he gives me... advice. Good advice! But advice. Wake up early. Go on a cleanse. Spend three hours in the morning working before you let yourself do anything else. Okay... but how? My question is how do I do these things.
And so I get a little more frantic after the conversation, as opposed to less.
Turns out, I am viewing D as "confrontational" as opposed to "challenging," as C.A. pointed out on Saturday, while I nursed the world's-worst hangover (thanks to the Tampa Free Skool prom from the night before). I get more advice than I get construction. And I am not responding well to it. Not that that makes me love him less... it just makes me realize that it's okay to seek out interactions with other people that may facilitate a more... constructive growth in me.
Which is where Nyssa comes in.
I thought I might spend a little time tonight writing about some of the ideas she offered me during our session tonight. But look, I've rambled! Time for sleep.
I'm looking forward to sharing insights gained and calm cultivated during my sessions with her. I will post more tomorrow.
