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"Come,
come, whoever you are.
Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving. It
doesn't matter.
Ours is not a caravan of despair.
Come, even if you have
broken your vows a thousand times.
Come, yet again, come, come.”
― Rumi
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I spent last week in a state of total mess.
Monday I spent in a daze. Tuesday crying. Wednesday angry. Thursday I spent madly bouncing between anger, sadness, guilt, and a deep despairing emptiness. Friday, I spent my last energy reserves confessing previously unspoken love, before I fell asleep, exhausted, for 11 hours.
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In a sudden twist, I JUST REALIZED THAT EVERYTHING ROBERT SMITH SAID HAS COME TRUE!
Monday, fell apart.
Tuesday, Wednesday, broken heart.
Thursday, didn't even start. Moped around all day.
Friday, in love.
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I muscle tested for an essential oil called cistus in my session at
Upward Spiral Therapy with Nyssa yesterday. I never cease to be amazed at how accurately my body is able to determine just what aroma I need to breathe in while Nyssa adjusts my mind. Cistus (or Rose of Sharon), it turns out, helps facilitate a move from "shocked" to "restored."
Shocked is a good word for what I've been the past week. Shocked at the experience of the first broken heart of my entire adult life. Shocked emotionally. Shocked physically. A broken heart is he most shocking thing one could ever experience, and I suddenly get it. I get the cliches, I get the melodrama... I get all of it. You can hear people talk about a broken heart all day, but until you experience it, all the talk in the world adds up to a big pile of empty jabber.
During the cranial session yesterday, Nyssa bent the left side of my brain and, simultaneously, I fell into the familiar swirling dark and rose up into a mindful expansion. People pop in and out of my mind's eye when she works on me, but yesterday I mostly saw... myself. I breathed in deeply from the tissue dotted with the warm and comforting aroma of cistus oil and I thought about these things:
{Why would I choose to fall in love with someone completely inaccessible? I chose to be my most vulnerable with the person who was least accessible. And my reward was a shattered heart. Thank you, spirit, for the pieces of my heart... for allowing me to experience the process of being tenderly ripped and brought, un-breathing, to my knees. For allowing me to know this, to cultivate empathy. To recognize that my greatest comfort is in my perpetual and final rejection.}
She finished her work and left the room with a "Take your time, darlin," and I laid on the table and vibrated for a few moments. My arms had lost feeling in them and my legs were tense. I opened my eyes and released, and I was done.
I left Upward Spiral and walked to my truck. And suddenly everything seemed so silly. Being in love with the inaccessible seemed silly. Maybe I've hit the "indifference" stage. Or maybe I'm just ready for something real. Maybe this was my greatest lesson in vulnerability... the lesson I tried so hard to learn with D.
Thank you, thank you, for this progressive restoration out of a shocked broken-ness.
