I have nothing to write on

and I have nothing to write with.

Is vinyl made of plastic?  Are you 55 and have never known Led Zeppelin?

I am patient. I am kind.  I will wait.

In vino veritas, and what I want is comfort, stability, familiarity.

I have had these experiences.  I am not here to win.  I am not here to trump. I am here to exist, to be. I am.  What I am.

I have had what I've had.  It is what it is.  It is past.  It is present.  It is future.

Provide me with patience.  Provide me with wisdom.

I am
Solid
Whole
One
Vagina

I can wait.

I would like to sleep without fear.

Biology does not matter in the love I have to give.

Patterns.

With great calm comes great divination.

I remember nothing of worth prior to 2008.  I spent that first quarter century of my life in a muffled fog, though in my twenty-fourth year, I found myself on The Edge of the Bed.  I retain mostly formative impressions from that time in my existence.

The years before 2008 were the years Before I Awoke.

The Break.
In the year 2008, I began The Break from my twenty-five year long fog.  In the month of May, I stepped away from security and familiarity.  Some may think I stepped bravely, but I know that I stepped ignorantly.  Such is the beauty of a naive one... ignorance allows for unknowing bravery.  I made The Break.

The Awakening.
The year 2009 brought to me The Awakening.  Under the stars of the Outback, under the canopy of the Daintree, in the waters of the Barrier Reef, I awoke.  From The Bed I Arose, I met God, I began to speak in tongues.  I learned the greatest lesson of all during the month of May in my twenty-sixth year, which was to stop searching and instead begin receiving. 

The Search.
I do not recall much of the year 2010 -- mostly because I found very little in that year; I just spent time searching wildly.  I remember realizing that my divinity was being stifled by my partner, and I remember breaking up with him in the month of May of that year. I remember nesting for a few months after that.  I remember the call of the West and my travels to Wyoming and Montana.  I remember sleeping with a lot of people.  The Awakening of 2009 drove me to The Search during my twenty-seventh year.  This, this search for God and Sex and The Call of the West... in spite of having learned not to search during the prior year.

The Epiphany.
The year 2011 was the year of The Epiphany, The Recognition. A five-thousand mile love affair, begun in May of that year, finally allowed me to recognize my deep fear of love and commitment.  Also in May,  I began to hit a low, soul-crushing point in my career, which ultimately allowed me to recognize that I truly valued community over money.  These epiphanies were the impetus for my local love affair -- both literally and figuratively.  They prompted my trepid search for a physically present partner, not one that required a plane flight to touch. They inspired the creation of free, local exchanges of knowledge and hammered the final nail in the coffin of my stint as a corporate whore.

The Compression.
The year 2012 proved to be... very loud. I became sensitive and winced whenever 2012 touched me.  I retracted. I shied away. I closed my bedroom door and crept back toward my bed during the party. I avoided daylight. I fell. My epiphanies of the prior year held no sway over the compression I underwent after I took the plunge to follow a pipe dream.  During the month of May of 2012, my world shifted into something unapproachable, unhealthy, and cowardly.  It was the year of The Darkness Before The Light.  The Agitation Before The Calm.  My twenty-ninth year was The Compression Before The Expansion. 

____________________

I had a session with Nyssa at Upward Spiral Therapy yesterday.  I came in full of anger and resentment.  I came in full of tired agitation.  I came in feeling like all of 2012 was lying acutely on my shoulders.  I came in, not wanting to talk about anything.

I opened my mouth and didn't stop talking for an hour. 

She had me lie down on the table.  We didn't do any muscle testing for essential oils yesterday; she simply went straight to lime and ylang ylang and suggested that those would be most beneficial for me at this time. 

Lime cultivates cultivate calmness out of agitation.  (I make the time for quiet reflection).

Ylang cultivates mindfulness out of anger.  (There is mindfulness in every step I take).

She sprinkled five drops of lime on a tissue, laid it over my eyes, and placed an herbal heating pack on top of that.  "How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives," she quoted from Annie Dillard. She read from the Blossoming Heart book on aromatherapeutic healing.  Lime helps clear heated emotions in times of turmoil and returns you to a place of calm and ease. 

Then she placed two drops of ylang oil on another tissue and placed that over my eyes, as well, to create the blend I would breathe in during the therapy session.  "My religion is simple.  My religion is kindness," she quoted from the Dalai Lama. She read more from the Blossoming Heart book.  Ylang helps to soften attitudes and evokes flexibility during trying times.

Nyssa began our session for the afternoon.  She led me on a guided meditation.  With the lime and ylang blend, she placed her hands on my chest and took me through a Buddhist exercise in generating compassion and lovingkindness toward people in our lives. 

[I only feel anger because I do not have full understanding of others' lives.  I would choose to act in the same manner if I had experienced all their cumulative life experiences.  I can forgive, better yet, I can understand and experience compassion toward those who may anger me.  Forgiveness as the ultimate goal is not necessary -- Compassion as the ultimate goal is necessary, for forgiveness comes without effort when it is on the heels of true compassion].

She placed a warm salt stone on my chest and ended the session by applying the oil blend to pressure points on my feet, to help guide my steps everyday.

When I came out, all was calm.  All was forgiven. 

______________________

The Transformation.
The year 2013 is my year to come into the Light.  To obtain Calm. To reach Expansion.  To listen more and speak less.  To use all that I have learned, all that I have experienced, all that I have given and taken, and offer it for The Transformation.

How we spend our days, is, of course, how we spend our lives.  I will choose to spend my days calmly in 2013.

Still I Rise

"Let us rise up and be thankful,
for if we didn't learn a lot today,
at least we learned a little,
and if we didn't learn a little,
at least we didn't get sick,
and if we got sick,
at least we didn't die;
so, let us all be thankful."

Someone who is kind
Someone who is compassionate
Someone who is patient
Someone who is thoughtful
Someone who speaks care-fully
Someone who listens with the intent of understanding, not with the intent of replying
Someone who touches tenderly
Someone who is interested in finding commonality, not difference
Someone who acts out of compassion, not out of self-glorification
Someone who values community over individuality, happiness over material, and the infinite over today.

2013 will be my year of calm.

Ohm.