The next step

some days, the amount of guilt i have about my life sets in like the heaviest stone.

i'm not rolling in dough, but i do make more money now than i ever have before. yet somehow i rarely end up with extra money in savings. the problem is that i am constantly being bitten by the travel bug, so any extra savings end up going to planning some wild (and totally unecessary) trip.

and then someone's dad dies and they are faced with funeral expenses that they aren't sure they can pay. i really can't imagine going through that at 27 years old, and i particularly can't imagine going through it with the knowledge that the finances to pay for a funeral service are non-existent in my life.

so really, what i'm getting at is simply this: it is not moral of me to spend money on frivolous things. a better use of my resources is to save carefully, spend thoughtfully, and give generously to friends who are in need. it is embarassing to me that i spent so much time and money recently to travel to california, and now i don't have extra money to provide to my friend's family during their time of grief and financial strain.

i have wildly determined that i touch god most deeply and most real-ly when i am in a mountain in wyoming, in a desert in california, in a rainforest in australia... and so i simply *need* to go to these places. while that is not entirely untrue, there are other ways for me to experience and to channel god. one would be generously and compassionately giving of my means to others who could more meaningfully use them.

it is time. time for me to step from my Type Seven foibles and re-think, re-approach my life. a deep breathe, a look around, and a step forward in a new, less manic, direction is in order. a satisfaction with the present, and an effort to build on where i am and what i have. community first, self second.

Freedom!

Plans for the next few weeks/weekends:

1.  Finally begin homebrewing.  YAY PORTER!!!!!
2.  Attend a friend's wedding reception Friday night.
3.  See a movie at CinneBistro on Saturday night.  So. Epic.
4.  Learn Swedish.
5.  (Re)learn Spanish.
6.  Listen to every Ace of Base album.
7.  Finally finish reading The Power of Myth, The Wild Trees, and Deep Powder Snow.
8.  Learn 3 new hoop tricks.  THREE.  And execute them perfectly.
9.  See a minimum of one show in Ybor per week.  Summer shows on the patio at New World Brewery = YES, PLEASE.
10.  Work on perfecting this Teva tan that I started on my feet last weekend at Coachella.  i.e. Go find somewhere sunny and awesome to take a hike in the middle of the day.

Upon my return to the swamps of Florida from the
deserts of south Cali,
M

This always happens.

Yet I am still surprised whenever it occurs.

I regularly find myself searching so fervently for something.  So fervently... and so infuriatingly unsuccessfully. 

So then I throw my hands up in frustration at my lack of progress, curse whatever it is that I'm looking for, and claim to give up my search completely.  And I do.  I give up my search completely and become gloomily apathetic.

Manifesting patience to manifest contentment,
M

And then -- almost immediately -- it manifests.  It will have been under my nose the whole time, within easy reach, but somehow completely invisible.  How do I miss it?  I miss it every time.  Until, of course, I give up on looking for it.  And then there it is, amazingly.  It was there the whole time, just waiting on me to relax, open my eyes, and let it simply BE, instead of BE DISCOVERED by my impatient heart.

Listen, people, listen/ Lift your hearts to God

Been such a long time,

I forgot that I was fine
Just kiss me on my neck
and breathe
On my neck
I want somebody
To walk up behind me
And kiss me on my neck
And breathe
On my neck

If you want to feel me
Better be divine
Bring me water
Water for my mind

Give me nothing
Breathe love in my air
Don't abuse me
Cause these herbs are rare

-E. Badu

States.

So I can keep up with which ones I've been to.  *sigh*  Slow going, but I'll get all fifty.

1. Alabama
2. Georgia
3. Florida
4. Maryland
5. Massachusetts
6. Maine
7. New York
8. Illinois
9. Wyoming
10. Tennessee
11. Kentucky
12. California
13. Montana
14. New Jersey
15. Iowa.

... What, fifteen?  Man. What have I been doing with my life? That's like an average of 1 state every two years.  I need to boogey.

"Peace is not a militaristic process...

...and it's certainly not a political process."












I kept my mouth shut fairly tight during the last presidential election for several reasons. I'm a fairly liberal person, but that doesn't make me a democrat, and it's never made me an Obama supporter. However, essentially all my friends label themselves as "liberal" or "democrat" and seemed to believe that Obama was going to play some sort of saviorial role in the dawning of a New America. Any time i so much as began to question that viewpoint, I felt like I was going to be burned at the stake for blasphemy. So I stopped talking about my opinion on it. I saw people cry tears of joy over the fact that Obama got elected and rolled my eyes as it happened. I watched his election on television the night that it was announced and thought, "My god, Americans are in a glorious uproar over a dude that is going to be just like any other president!" I didn't believe his assertions. Gay rights? Really? What has he done to further gay rights? He designated a lame day of Gay Awareness or something ridiculous like that. And the war? Please. Watch the first 20 seconds of the video and we can all easily see what a blatant "turnaround" he's had in his viewpoint on war. (Let us recall the joy of his supporters when he received a Nobel Peace Prize at the beginning of his presidency!). If you would have taken of your rose-colored glasses and quit listening to Fox, CNN, and NPR during the elections and dug a little deeper into some lesser-known news organizations, you could have seen all of this coming.

I wish I could say "I told you so," but the fact of the matter is that I didn't actually tell anybody so -- because I lost my gall and quit voicing my opinion on Obama during the presidential campaign! I stuck out like a sore thumb in the midst of all my liberal friends, professors, and classmates whenever I'd bring up any point that shed Obama in a bad light. So I stopped talking about it because it made me uncomfortable to argue against the views of those who were close to me. Shame on me!

Hey man, the other guy wasn't any better. I'm not saying anyone should have voted for McCain; he's a douchebag. When it came down between McCain and Obama, I went to the polls and voted for Obama because I decided he was the lesser of two evils. SHAME ON ME AGAIN! I still voted for evil! And now my country is paying for it with the blood of more soldiers and the absence of rights for our homosexual brethren and sistren.

We all know this. But our country is broken. Our political process is broken, and this "two-party" system is killing democracy as we know it. Do we really think that revolution will not occur? That the current system is sustainable? When I spoke of revolution 5 years ago, people scoffed. Now it is easily a rapidly-approaching reality and I hear people speak of it more freely in normal conversations. Everyone is mad. Republicans are mad because they've hated Obama from day 1. Democrats are mad because their purported saviour has made such a floundering fool of himself that the entire party looks ridiculous.

If you aren't mad... then you aren't listening.