Here's what being a divorced, single woman at 29 has taught me.You can get married young. Sure. You can. It's easy. It's easy because you haven't had time to create a list of qualifications that your mate has to have. So it's easy to get married, and that's fine. At first. Your ignorance is bliss and you carry on, awkwardly stumbling through a smiley relationship for a couple of years. Then you hit some level of misery, because you slowly begin to realize that you had no fucking clue what you wanted at 19. Or 23. And even if you did, it's not the same god damned thing that you want now.
It is your decision whether you Soldier On or leave. Our parents' generation Soldiered On and finally reached a point of passivity that is so fucking depressing to think about -- although they tell you it's not passivity at all; it's fucking commitment, dammit, and you should just practice more bloody discipline if you think you're entitled to break your marriage vows.
So. Here's your other alternative. Don't get married at 19. Or 23. Or 26. Instead, live out your over-privileged, post-modern American life, and have lots of deep personal revelations and go on trips and start compiling this list, this impossibly long list, of all the things you insist on having in a partner. And engage in romantic relationships occasionally, but three and a half months in, get bored or maybe worse, get picky, and then remember why it is that you don't *do* long-term relationships. You don't do them because, damn. Each time you engage in a relationship, you add another five things to your list of partner qualifications. And that means that each time you find someone remotely compatible with you, you give them less of a chance than you might've before, because you have five more god damned qualifications that they have to meet than they would have had to meet if you'd met them 9 months ago. And so three and a half months in you're bored. Or picky. Or both. Or most likely, you've finally reached a point where you refuse to be fucking vulnerable and the minute that the relationship requires you to be so, you jet. Because you have so many other distractions anyway, right? You can go to New York. Go to a museum. Make some stuff and sell it on etsy. Go to a local music show and get religious and then get laid by the drummer afterwards. Write a book and sell it on amazon or something. Make some tea. Make some beer. Make some beer with tea in it. Get popular. Get famous. Start a thing. Get bored with it and start another thing. People will love the things you start. You can do all sorts of things to distract you from the fact that you are completely unable or unwilling or unwhatever to engage in a deep relationship because you don't want to be vulnerable because you have a frillion qualifications that the other person has to meet because you are looking for perfection, not compromise, because you're 29 and single.
So there are your options, folks. Get married young and be miserable. Don't get married young and spend the rest of your life picking away at this and that and... well. Be miserable.
We're all going to die miserable.
http://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/jps-the-jean-paul-sartre-navigation-system
ReplyDeleteOh how I hate to see you suffer so. Ever the passive observer I muse of the wavering manias that drive your feet. I'm positive assumptions follow so add seasoning to taste, bake at about 375 for 45 minutes, and trim the fat:
In situations such as these I find that misery tends more to be a result of what we're looking at, not all we can see. You're on a journey, soak up the sights, boring roads happen so nap or detour as needed, and keep a lookout for Faerie Island. If you're looking for someone to make that journey with it's quite likely you'll need to make the occasional stop at Raptor Land as well. Potty breaks can be an inconvenience, but it's probably better to stop and let it out before someone gets peed on (unless you're into that sort of thing). Don't invite anyone who claims they have no waste or you're liable to find yourselves wallowing in it. It's not bad to have a list as "If you don't know where you're going, any road will get you there" but if you consider every waypoint mandatory you may be sadly disappointed when natural disasters come through. Emphasis on natural.
Some make the claim that they found long term happiness because they fixed what was broken rather than threw it away. Others subscribe to the ever-long pursuit of happiness. Still, more find a balance in between; the balance that works for them. Suffice it to say there is no normal; we're all crazy. Trying to define perfection is about as useful as seeking it (there is no such thing). Have you considered that you haven't actually discovered anything about your perfect mate? Perhaps what you've truly discovered is more of yourself. Now you know how certain things make you feel. It is inevitable that you will encounter those feelings again (the feels must be felt ;P) but perhaps what would help most is finding someone who understands your feelings too. Or at least someone who strives to; it has been my experience that misunderstandings tend to be from a lack of communication. Be it fear or apathy toward a solution we frequently realize too late what it was we really thought (thoughts and feelings beget one another). If your checklist includes "mind reader" don't hold your breath, but I bet you can reconcile what you have with someone. One thing's for sure, you'll never find out how far you can go if you don't bother to move.
Then again, maybe I'm just hopeful romantic (hopelessness is overrated). Be well fair faerie.